Eurovision 2013

All in all it didn’t feel like a vintage year at Eurovision, everyone seemed to be taking the contest a little too seriously and thus it missed some of the mad-cap antics that have been present over the last few years. Fledgling possibility of a chest infection reduced drink intake to a single beer, but for once the host and the voting made it all worthwhile.

France: No surprises that she was singing in French (about half the entries chose English this year), but generally a forgettable song that tried a little too hard to be angry, but just came off as constipated.

Lithuania: BEST LYRIC OF THE NIGHT! “I have two shoes, one’s called love, the other pain…”. Eat your heart out Thom Yorke, that is the epitome of weird-ass song writing.

Moldova: Forgettable song, first of the nights expanding dresses.

Finland: Bad song, attempt to appear edgy by including lesbian kiss. Poor show I’m afraid.

Spain: Once again, forgettable. Does Spain have a history of bagpipes?

Belgium: Ye gods this was getting dull. No one seemed to have bought the crazy this year so far, is this the austerity Eurovision?

Estonia: Really? When was this going to kick up a gear?

Belarus: More like it! Glitter balls, bad dancing and a forgettable disco song – predictable high finish!

Malta: I really liked it. A genuinely sweet little song, stood out from the rest of the evening and dared to be different. Reasonable finishing position indicative of quality of the song.

Russia: Oh look, another overly earnest ballad that pertains to death! Just plain bad, and a step down in quality following Malta.

Germany: Sounds familiar? That’s because it’s a near carbon copy of last year’s winner.

Armenia: For a song written by Black Sabbath this is awfully dull and middle of the road…

Netherlands: So, this is the first final they’ve made for nearly a decade? To be honest it shows – and if this made it, what were those that didn’t like?

Romania: Proper Eurovision crazy tied to a frankly astonishing vocal trick. The only song that I can still hum two days later, mainly due to the fact that I’ve been suffering from tinnitus from the moment he first hit a high note.

UK: Wrong song for the singer, kind of hoped we’d at least make it to the left hand side of the score board but once again it wasn’t going to be.

Sweden: Unlike last years this didn’t stick out from the crowd. Still, Sweden were by far the best hosts for many a moon, and the half time show more than made up for this.

Hungary: May have done better if it was in English, very similar to Malta but the fact that only one country could understand fully what they was singing about wouldn’t have done them any favours.

Denmark: It was a good song, but nothing remarkable. No where near as good as either 2009 or 2010’s winning entries (still the recent high points).

Iceland: Decent voice, bland song.

Azerbaijan: One of the weirdest shows of the night, the whole glass box was the closest the night came to genuinely creepy (something it usually achieves with ease). Strangely had a strong finish come scoring.

Greece: Comedy song, please don’t vote for us! Nearly undone by been insanely catchy and genuinely standing out in an evening of general blandness.

Ukraine: What was the purpose of the giant exactly? Felt like I was experiencing Twin Peaks flashbacks in the middle of Eurovision, not a pleasant state of affairs.

Italy: One of Italy’s biggest stars you say? Understand why they don’t often translate into other countries.

Norway: Actually a decent song and genuinely different, but a bit too understated on the delivery, understandably finished high.

Georgia: Sorry, still being drowned out by the cheering for Norway. Was this the only duet of the night?

Ireland: Good song, decent show – how on earth did this place last? Seemed very Eurovision friendly.

A few further observations…

Couldn’t really complain about the winner, but then wouldn’t have complained if either Norway or Romania (which below the crazy was a decent song) had won either. Still, Denmark means they won’t have to move the lighting far next year.

Do not rely on a comedy song to garner nil points if you can’t afford to host the contest. The Greek finance department must have been having kittens during the early stages of the voting. Didn’t they pull the same trick last year and it nearly backfire?

The half time show was really good, but also really simple. Who needs weird-ass acrobatics when you have a good song that pokes fun at the host nation – genuinely good.

The Winner Takes It All” – further proof (if any was needed) that any ABBA song would just walk Eurovision with one hand tied behind its back.

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